Sunday, October 18

Crash Course: Drinking

Drinking is part of the college experience, there's no question about that, so you might as well know how to do it well.

I suggest you take notes.

Get very acquainted with Busch Ice and Busch Light cans. They’re cheap and I promise you will eventually get used to the taste. Hell, I’ve even passed up Miller Light for a can of good ole’ Busch. You could drink Natty Lite, but I can’t drink that after “Bro Rape” without feeling violated.

If you want wine Franzia is always the cheapest. It comes in a box with three flavor options—chillable red (which defies logic if you know anything about red wine), blush, or white. It is loaded with an unbelievable amount of sugar, so you will probably get nauseous, throw up, or have a hangover from hell. I wish you luck, though. It’s easy to find a cheap bottle of wine if that’s what you’re looking for. As a rare wine drinker, I don’t know any labels off hand, but one should run you about $5 or $6.

Champagne is a personal favorite of mine. Anyone who has spent a New Years or two with me will know champagne can be dangerous, at least for me. But it is classy and bubbly and fills your with the most amazing sensation as it goes down and makes your whole body tingle, so I can never resist a glass (or a bottle). Cooks or André are cheap, and kind of taste it. Cooks is better, but only by a bubble or two.

Mixed drinks are a very big favorite of mine, especially rum and coke. There really is no right or wrong way to do mixed drinks. Try different alcohols with different mixers. Either have the mixers on hand or choose one that can be found in your nearest vending machine.

But the most important part of a mixed drink is the liquor, obviously. I’m a rum girl, always have been, so I’m old friends with Captain Morgan, but I’ve recently fallen deeply, madly, head-over-heels in love with Sailor Jerry’s. If you haven’t heard of this rum, I suggest you grab your fake (or your of-age friend that’s not really your friend, but just someone you use to get alcohol) and find some. It’s delicious in a way that no matter how strong your drink is, it’ll never taste strong. For vodka, as long as it’s not Skol you should be fine. That is straight turpentine, trust me. For tequila, don’t both with Patron or 1800 (even though it pours you a shot). Jauger is also a favorite of mine and worth every penny, but should in no way be chugged straight from the bottle (like a certain trashy Hills character did). And now we come to whiskey, something I’m becoming quite acquainted with. Bushmills is the Minimalist’s drink of choice and, while it’s definitely an acquired taste, is pretty damn good…for SIPPING.

So now you know what you’re drinking, so the next question is how to drink it. If it’s a BYOB party you’ll need to transport your alcohol. For beer or numerous bottles of anything, a back pack always wins. You’re in college. There’s nothing suspicious about a college kid walking around with a back pack. If it’s only one bottle, a purse will work fine, but make sure it actually fits in your purse. If you prefer the harder stuff, a water bottle, obviously. I suggest a cheap stainless steel water bottle. Mine was $6 and I’ve definitely gotten my money worth. NO, absolutely not, never ever ever put a mixed drink in a clear plastic water bottle. If you’re mixing it with Coke it’s fine to put the liquor straight in there, but with nothing else does that work. If you’re really looking for the harder, straighter stuff a flask is key. I have one, a 6 oz beauty, and I love her. She fits perfectly in a pocket and is wonderfully light and portable. Sure, it’s a little suspicious, but don’t be stupid and you’re fine. If you’re staying in one place, a Solo cup is classic. If you want to be classy, though, I suggest you invest in some actual glasses. Made of glass. In various different shapes and sizes to accommodate every possibility.

So now you’re drinking a delicious drink out of whatever the appropriate receptacle is. And now you’re drunk. And now you’re about to throw up. This is of vital importance—get to a toilet as soon as possible. A sink is second best. A trashcan, the floor, a planter, a fish tank—all bad decisions. If you’re outside, it’s acceptable to yak on the ground as long as you’re far enough away so no one hears you. Take it from a girl who has thrown up more than her fair share of times—there’s no need to be embarrassed about it. Everyone has those nights and no one is judging. Just don’t be a baby about it.

And now, for some delicious concoctions to kick-start any night:

Ghetto Margarita

Equal parts tequila and Simply Limade. Salt the rim of the glass if desired or just sprinkle some salt in the glass.

Elton John

Equal parts Orange Vitamin Water and pineapple Malibu rum.

Dr. Thomas

6 oz Killians red, 1.5 oz Jack Daniels, 6 oz root beer.

Hunch Punch

(To be served family style out of a big bowl, or better yet, a lined trash can)

One gallon Hawiian fruit punch (the stuff with the surfing creature), a handle of cheap vodka. You could use Everclear (or grain alcohol) instead, but you obviously use less. A LOT less.


One package of Jello, anything with a strong flavor will do—cherry, mixed berry, or (my favorite) cranberry. The recipe calls for one cup hot water and one cup cold water. I substitute the whole cup of cold water for cold vodka, but they do come out a bit strong. Figure out your perfect vodka to water ratio, just remember to substitute it for COLD water. Again, Everclear works, but you still need A LOT less. These can be made in an ice-cube tray or in Dixie cups, or (as I prefer) tuperware, because I usually eat half a package worth or hand out spoonfuls.

Happy drinking. And just remember—if you don’t remember it, it didn’t happen (unless it ended up here).

No comments:

Post a Comment