Crash Course: Grass is Green

Ladies,

I’m going to give you some advice I suggest you heed.

Don’t rock the boat!

If you have yourself a man/boy-friend and it’s good -- not just good to the point where you haven’t found anything better, but good to the point where you’re not even looking -- then don’t think for whatever reason that the grass will be greener on any other side that you might come across.

Take if from a girl who has fallen for fake grass more than a time too many, it is never greener.

And now, just as I had to last year with Connecticut and Arch Enemy, I have to remind myself of just that.

Don’t get your panties in a bunch, though, because the Minimalist and I are still sailing smoothly. We’re peachy keen, over the moon, and disgustingly happy. But there’s also Misfit*.

I met Misfit when he wrote for my section in the newspaper. He asked for my number under the guise of needing my help, and then invited me to his place under the guise of wanting me to go over his draft with him. Things evolved from there, thanks in part to GoodMan telling him that the Minimalist and I were a thing of the past.

While Misfit is undeniably wonderful and attractive and intelligent and a whole host of other favorable adjectives, I’m not convinced that his lawn is any better than the Minimalist’s. Ginger suggested a pro/con list and while normally I’m a not-so-closested list-lover, I can’t begin to compare them because they’re so completely different.

Misfit and I shop at a natural foods co-op. The Minimalist and I screw with freshman boys.

Misfit meditates. The Minimalist drinks.

Both make me laugh.

Once again, don’t take this as any kind of confession of feelings or intentions. Take this as what it is—advice on how to handle a situation that will undoubtedly spring up at some point, and one that I will never know how to handle.

If only Twin was here to tell me what to do this time…

*Misfit-GoodMan’s former roommate.

Heads Up

In college don’t be surprised if…

…You find yourself turning into the kind of person you HATE by writing complicated, confusing academic papers with big words and sentences like…

“’Six Characters in Search of an Author’ is an Italian modern play that attempts to define reality by blurring the lines of reality under the pretense of the theater and the battle between actors that play characters and characters that really are characters, all of which, I believe, is an allegory for the refraction that occurs when reading a text designated as world literature.”

Yes, that is what a 64-word thesis sentence looks like.

…Your roommate walks into the room and says she wants a piercing. And half an hour later goes from this,

to this.

With a little of this

in between.

…You find a penis drawn in the dirt on your car. Because penises are funny at any age.

… People (mos’def not me, mind you) go on dates to the dining hall. Or even more gag-tastic, double dates.

…You watch at least 2 of your ‘mates eat Chef Boyardee in a day.

It’s the new Ramen, haven’t you heard?

…Especially when you go to Crunchy College, you debate between getting to class on time and pressing your tofu.

Or maybe that last one is just me.

Crash Course: Drinking

Drinking is part of the college experience, there's no question about that, so you might as well know how to do it well.

I suggest you take notes.

Get very acquainted with Busch Ice and Busch Light cans. They’re cheap and I promise you will eventually get used to the taste. Hell, I’ve even passed up Miller Light for a can of good ole’ Busch. You could drink Natty Lite, but I can’t drink that after “Bro Rape” without feeling violated.

If you want wine Franzia is always the cheapest. It comes in a box with three flavor options—chillable red (which defies logic if you know anything about red wine), blush, or white. It is loaded with an unbelievable amount of sugar, so you will probably get nauseous, throw up, or have a hangover from hell. I wish you luck, though. It’s easy to find a cheap bottle of wine if that’s what you’re looking for. As a rare wine drinker, I don’t know any labels off hand, but one should run you about $5 or $6.

Champagne is a personal favorite of mine. Anyone who has spent a New Years or two with me will know champagne can be dangerous, at least for me. But it is classy and bubbly and fills your with the most amazing sensation as it goes down and makes your whole body tingle, so I can never resist a glass (or a bottle). Cooks or André are cheap, and kind of taste it. Cooks is better, but only by a bubble or two.

Mixed drinks are a very big favorite of mine, especially rum and coke. There really is no right or wrong way to do mixed drinks. Try different alcohols with different mixers. Either have the mixers on hand or choose one that can be found in your nearest vending machine.

But the most important part of a mixed drink is the liquor, obviously. I’m a rum girl, always have been, so I’m old friends with Captain Morgan, but I’ve recently fallen deeply, madly, head-over-heels in love with Sailor Jerry’s. If you haven’t heard of this rum, I suggest you grab your fake (or your of-age friend that’s not really your friend, but just someone you use to get alcohol) and find some. It’s delicious in a way that no matter how strong your drink is, it’ll never taste strong. For vodka, as long as it’s not Skol you should be fine. That is straight turpentine, trust me. For tequila, don’t both with Patron or 1800 (even though it pours you a shot). Jauger is also a favorite of mine and worth every penny, but should in no way be chugged straight from the bottle (like a certain trashy Hills character did). And now we come to whiskey, something I’m becoming quite acquainted with. Bushmills is the Minimalist’s drink of choice and, while it’s definitely an acquired taste, is pretty damn good…for SIPPING.

So now you know what you’re drinking, so the next question is how to drink it. If it’s a BYOB party you’ll need to transport your alcohol. For beer or numerous bottles of anything, a back pack always wins. You’re in college. There’s nothing suspicious about a college kid walking around with a back pack. If it’s only one bottle, a purse will work fine, but make sure it actually fits in your purse. If you prefer the harder stuff, a water bottle, obviously. I suggest a cheap stainless steel water bottle. Mine was $6 and I’ve definitely gotten my money worth. NO, absolutely not, never ever ever put a mixed drink in a clear plastic water bottle. If you’re mixing it with Coke it’s fine to put the liquor straight in there, but with nothing else does that work. If you’re really looking for the harder, straighter stuff a flask is key. I have one, a 6 oz beauty, and I love her. She fits perfectly in a pocket and is wonderfully light and portable. Sure, it’s a little suspicious, but don’t be stupid and you’re fine. If you’re staying in one place, a Solo cup is classic. If you want to be classy, though, I suggest you invest in some actual glasses. Made of glass. In various different shapes and sizes to accommodate every possibility.

So now you’re drinking a delicious drink out of whatever the appropriate receptacle is. And now you’re drunk. And now you’re about to throw up. This is of vital importance—get to a toilet as soon as possible. A sink is second best. A trashcan, the floor, a planter, a fish tank—all bad decisions. If you’re outside, it’s acceptable to yak on the ground as long as you’re far enough away so no one hears you. Take it from a girl who has thrown up more than her fair share of times—there’s no need to be embarrassed about it. Everyone has those nights and no one is judging. Just don’t be a baby about it.

And now, for some delicious concoctions to kick-start any night:

Ghetto Margarita

Equal parts tequila and Simply Limade. Salt the rim of the glass if desired or just sprinkle some salt in the glass.

Elton John

Equal parts Orange Vitamin Water and pineapple Malibu rum.

Dr. Thomas

6 oz Killians red, 1.5 oz Jack Daniels, 6 oz root beer.

Hunch Punch

(To be served family style out of a big bowl, or better yet, a lined trash can)

One gallon Hawiian fruit punch (the stuff with the surfing creature), a handle of cheap vodka. You could use Everclear (or grain alcohol) instead, but you obviously use less. A LOT less.

Hello-Jello

One package of Jello, anything with a strong flavor will do—cherry, mixed berry, or (my favorite) cranberry. The recipe calls for one cup hot water and one cup cold water. I substitute the whole cup of cold water for cold vodka, but they do come out a bit strong. Figure out your perfect vodka to water ratio, just remember to substitute it for COLD water. Again, Everclear works, but you still need A LOT less. These can be made in an ice-cube tray or in Dixie cups, or (as I prefer) tuperware, because I usually eat half a package worth or hand out spoonfuls.

Happy drinking. And just remember—if you don’t remember it, it didn’t happen (unless it ended up here).