Please pardon my outburst the other day. It appears my lack of daily emotion manifests itself in random, uncontrollable, nervous outbursts.
It has been a trying few days. My to-do list didn’t include “reflect,” so only last night did it hit me. Well, I guess it hit me the other day, but this time it hit me in a less frantic, traumatizing way.
I’ve complained about my town for as long as I can remember. I’ve been dying to get out of town and mother’s house since 4th grade (I even had a plan to run away that included climbing out my window and down a knotted sheet). That plan has been abandoned, but not the need to run away and keep running until I was no longer within reach of the whirlpool that is my small Southern town.
And here I am, after years of dreaming of this day and thinking it would never come, 7 hours and over 400 miles away from said small Southern town, less than 12 hours away from being an ID carrying freshman, and I’m not jumping for joy. I’m neutral.
Emotional neutrality when facing big events is not unusual for me. There’s usually a little initial emotion bubbling under the surface, maybe even a tear shed or a squeal uttered if it is a really big event, but nothing of consequence. I usually take this to mean that what’s happening is meant to happen. If I’m nervous, it must be because it is not good for me. If I’m excited, that must mean I didn’t expect it to happen, like I don’t believe I’m worthy. But if I’m neutral, that must be because it is right and I’m worthy.
Maybe that’s the case here. College was never a question for me. Staying in state was never an option I was willing to consider. Basing a decision as important as college on where a friend goes always sounded ridiculous. So it only makes sense that I would go to college far from home with no one I know. This is what I always knew would happen. This is how things are supposed to be.
I just wish for once I could be emotional. Not any kind of emotional (because I can’t really handle any more nervous outbursts), but the good kind. I wish I could have made a big deal about saying good-bye to people, to my dogs, my room, house and the town that I’ve always complained about (but secretly have a soft-spot for). I didn’t, though. I just left. I ran away and (though its been less than a day) haven’t looked back. With any luck, as I’m walking into my dorm for the first time tomorrow, I’ll get excited, uncontrollably excited, and maybe even a little nervous. And in a little while, once I get firmly (or even softly) rooted in my new life, I’ll miss my old life, my old town, my friends (who will hopefully never be old or forgotten).
Hopefully, I’ll be able to really show some emotion, as opposed to the survival mode I’ve been in for way too long. I’m optimistic.
P.S.-I went on another date with Ugly Duckling. Another great date. We laughed. We talked. At the end he kissed me like he cared about me (not just like he wanted to get my lumps/humps/goodies). Note to everyone: Don’t be shallow. Give people a chance. Even if they’re not quite swans yet.
**This was written Tuesday, August 18. I haven't had internet until now, so please forgive the dated post.**